.tied up.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

regret & void

2 things went through my mind as i saw her face.
first.
regret.
i wished i knew you.
i wished i had opened up a long time ago.
i wished i had allowed myself to spend that time with you.
i saw you.
and i felt.
there was so much more that i could have done.
but i didn't.
there was so much more i wanted to be a part of.
but i wasn't.
i regret.
i really do.
embrace.
tears.
it felt like forever.
it felt like i knew you for so long.
it felt like comfort.
yet i am worried.
yet i'm afraid.
and i regret.
celest.
like i said in the letter.
if only we had the time to know each other.
i can't help but feel a little too late.
we just started!
although our common friends had always known us.
we were linked but yet apart.
celest, do take care of yourself.
God bless.
you're strong, and i know it.

second.
i thought i wouldn't cry today.
i thought today would be numb day.
i was so wrong.
esther.
i don't know how to face you.
i don't want to see you cry.
i always turn away when u tear.
i can't face you.
i just can't.
i contemplated not sending you off.
i did.
but i want to be there.
yet. i rather not.
i told jo i can't.
she said we must make it a happy occasion.
BUT HOW?
every single sunday.
i'll see you there.
even when we didn't speak.
i knew your presence was there.
even as we drifted.
you were someone i knew i could smile to in church.
although we stop having common topics.
you were somone i still could complain to.
when we stop spending time together.
when i stop being part of the circle of secrets.
when we stopped sharing our private lives.
i couldn't help but want to fill that void.
i wanted to much to be able to talk to you in that way we used to.
but it just felt so different.
when i tried to tell you about it.
i couldn't.
i didn't know how to.
it just wasn't the same.
i always told you i had stuff to tell you.
but i never did.
i ended up filling our conversations with "i'm tired. i'm hungry"
and that night.
when i finally plucked up the courage.
i couldn't help but want to linger on.
but i just didn't know what else to say.
i'm just too late.
the past few years have caused me to be so far away.
and i didn't realise that you could be gone.
so quick.
all too fast.
i don't even have the chance to make amendments.
i don't know how church would be like without you.
for all my teen years in church.
every single year was spent with you.
even when jo left, when pam left, when i drifted from josh, mark, pris, sherrie...
there was just that something that was holding us.
i don't really know what else to say.
but that i regret.

i regret losing touch.
i regret not keeping things strong.
i regret not playing my part.
i regret not trying earlier.

that afternoon made me wonder why i never considered opening up to celest.
that night made me wish i had always been able to do that with esther.

regret.
my most hated enemy.
emptiness.
something i detest.
but that's what i'm feeling right now.
regret and void.
i felt i've wasted so many years.
too much time lost.
nothing for me to work on now.
cry

[ Jude whispered ][ 10:30 PM ]

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